Did you find your Ikigai yet?

Ikigai.

Someone introduced me to this Japanese word few years back. And since that day, this word resonated so much in my ear and slowly anchored in my soul, I fell in love with its existence.

I will tell two stories here…

One fine morning, after dropping my son to school I boarded the usual silk-board enroute Volvo and placed my exhausted body under the AC vents on 3rd from the last row seat, where the cooling is exactly perfect for a hot morning.

Usually I keep 30 Rupee change ready at this time, to avoid any unwanted confrontation for change or being late producing the fare and to reserve the energy for rest of the day.

This young guy, in his fitted white uniform was crisp in his english and swift in his action. He went to every passenger,handed over the ticket first, assuring he will collect the money once distribution of tickets are done as the bus was heading to next stop in speed.  He got me bowled over by his tactics. Once passengers got ticket they got their face out of the mobile screen and kept waiting with the money. By the time the next busstop came both parties were satisfied..And then I bowd my head silently when I saw him returning me the one rupee change which noone does and generously requesting each passenger to check if the note is damaged,so that he can take it back on time!

On same day, in the early evening when I was leaving for the day, just opposite to Cisco first gate, I saw this guy. Usually in that area either people will be smoking or will be glued on their phone screen. He was sitting alone quietly,without a gadget, on the soft green grasses,just under a hibiscus tree near the smoking zone. The tree had bloomed with saffron hibiscus and was looking so pretty as it was twilight. He had this amazing calmness on his face, with the setting sun patting his back and he was mindfully feeling the breeze touching the grasses and leaves around him as he was plucking few leaves from ground. The maddening rush , the honking office cabs queueing up at the tech park exit..No,I did not see any frown on his forehead as I passed by the corner he was sitting .

That was another Ikigai day…

We hear a lot about passion these days, anything which is ”offbeat” they name it as passion.. anything that is crazy enough to take 5 selfies and post on social sites is “getting the passion outta life”..Anything that counts on “dal chawal , 9 to 5 routine,debate on republic tv at 9” 'cannot be passion,it's something else’.

But then that conductor could show up with a bad face shouting for change, for damaged note he could just be not bothered or could shrug off if someone had asked for the nearest one rupee change..!

But then that man on the grass,could sit there looking at the whatsapp screen, or rushing behind figures and reports to finish the day's work early.

But then I was stuck at Outer Ring Road evening traffic, the flock of birds flying on the sky together and changing the frontier whenever one is tired, showing up  a V sign from above to the entire traffic which stopped at every single signal.

Did you find the ikigai yet?

When I Earned A Few Saplings While Sowing A Seed

1 year 8 months ...

The clock is running ' hickory dikory dok'...

And the count is adding one more second to this particular lifespan.That lifespan, when I am Unemployed.

Few hour more….before I start my second innings tomorrow.

I am perplexed with the separation anxiety,more than my little one..I am excited to go back to work but somewhere inside me I have caged myself as I am going to leave my heart at home while carrying my grey matter to work everyday.

On a hot summer day in July of 2016, my 7 months extended maternity leaves got over, my son was 7 months old,had 2 molecular teeth(well if I compare the size with that of now) and started his meal with dal -chawal , I took this step(ignoring to explain with the adjective for 'this step’ because only I knew how significant it was) to quit and to take a break until he is little independent..to be with him night and day,afternoon to the next dawn until he completes first 900 days of delicate childhood.

Yes I know, monotony is boring, non multitasking is boring, stories of sentiments, and sacrifices are boring too..

I have had it enough. I have seen enough. Hypocrisy around our notion of 'feminism’, monotony of biased support system , discrimination at workplaces, overdose of motivational lines scattered here and there- I have seen them enough if not all.

So this has been a 'zero income’ period...But I gained a few learnings which were priceless.

1. Saving every penny that comes home ,adapting minimalist way of living- Which meant no online shopping for 2 years-precisely all I bought newly were 2 kurti,1 jeans,1 piece of stitched salwar suit;1 bottle of moisturizer and a pair of kajal;only emergency visits at salon,hair cut  at home;instead of experimenting with shampoos invested in 2 bottles of good hair oil- that's what more or less I invested on myself. So does that mean I was living a Sadhu ’s life? Hell NO. Instead of going for restaurant or movies, I learnt cooking across many different world cuisine, and there were cheat days when we ordered Tandoori Moorg from our second kitchen, Golkonda Chimney. Instead of buying junk jewellery around the year, I spent a few penny on  small and daily wearable gold ornaments. To save the LPG and electricity, have been learning life saving hacks for day to day life.

2. What the true investment is - I started giving more values to human relationships, I started investing time on precious things of life more than investing money to please them.  I started realising the importance of being grounded , over a period time, I realized how important the self-containment is.

2. . This phase broke me into pieces and rebuilt me with some incredible sense of responsibility. I was bringing up a human life almost alone. It took many days of sweat, many afternoon without lunch,many sleepless nights-often set with alarms every hour, loneliness that was not lucky to be explained,overwork that was beyond explanation... Sometimes I complain to myself,why I was left in this hardship without support,but then I hear the inner voice that it was to make the person I am today, a mother -bad or good.

3. Breaking the myth "Networking" - I identified the difference between the notion of 'we are friends’ and 'who truly care about you’ . I identified people who want to stay connected with you based on the your social-financial-beneficial status.  I could detach myself from the invisible string attached from my mind to the social networking. I understood the frawn and whispers will be there always, despite of your devotion or ignorance...because human beings enjoy this peculiar sense of entertainment.

3. Parenthood, that's not fancy -. In my life, nothing came easy...and especially this period taught me tough, slapped me with facts and incidence .I struggled hard, to get anything and everything done , alongside the father of my child. It made us strong..   Only we were there , when those tiny feets started walking, those little palms started drawing , those tiny face made expressions while eating , those first days in school he cried his heart out, those first sentences for which we were the compiler.        Nights we fought against the soaring temperature,; On that birthday of mine,when doctor told put that nebulizer mask on him and my child was sobbing and crying in fear; That stubborn infections refused to leave for several days and I was running from doctor to doctor for help.

             They say a mother can be the best teacher for a child..she shapes up the newborn to a complete human, like molding a soft clay into a vase.... But motherhood has taught me a few truths in life...or rather I would say, have opened few windows in my soul, that is molding the human inside me... 

From the Phoenix's Womb

I lost myself a couple of light-years back;

I did hide my skin inside a sand-filled sack...

Thought I’d come out like fireflies in dark nights;

Thought I’d be the brightest comet,while stars would fight.

I slept for years, my eyes were so dry...

I forgot I didn't have wings anymore to fly.

My dreams were scorched under a decade old sun;

My heart pumped only blood on the long run.

Then arrived a time, and conspired to wake me up

It’d stirred the ocean inside me,while the wind was still rough.

It smeared me with red,and gave me a nest called Uterus

Vermilion was the dusk, and it summoned the universe.

World gazed and murmured at me,'oh she is so weak!’

World cursed me for not reaching out for the peak…

I waited and longed for the storm to swept me , to flow me down

And germinated the sweat and blood,gave it a crown..

I picked up the thorn and gave it to the spring,

I burnt myself to make this phoenix’s wing..

And sung an ode to Lord,that I will be a mother

To bear all the pain, I swear to be the soil rather..

Rain that touched the soil, and brought out the smell of earth

Photons that left from sun, and the sunflower gave birth

I will live in them,forever,for the life to be born

I will be the lullaby, for every unsung life’s song....